A Look At Marriage And Love During The Roman Empire
Although only a fair few people would want to abandon every modern convenience and go all the way back to the days of the Roman Empire, that doesn’t make the advancements, achievements, and rich history of that ancient civilization any less fascinating to study.
Given how focused the empire was on war and conquest, it’s not surprising that this would make up the greatest focus in many people’s studies. However, the way people lived from day-to-day can offer a lot of insight into how far humanity has come in the centuries since Rome fell. And the way they loved and married each other is a central part of that, including how loving those marriages actually were.
Most People Didn’t Marry For Love
In modern times, it’s not unheard of for some cultures to have families arrange their children’s marriages rather than encourage them to go out and find somebody they love. According to PBS, this was how it worked more often than not within the Roman Empire.
While it wasn’t completely unheard of for romantic considerations to factor into a marriage, they rarely did. Instead, a young Roman’s parents would shop around among their friends and acquaintances for spouses who could could prove economically fruitful or improve their social class.
Age Gaps Were The Norm In Roman Marriages
Nowadays, it’s generally considered a matter for concern when a large age gap exists within a couple, as there’s a greater chance for a power imbalance based on maturity to exist in that relationship. However, since attaining power was largely the point of marriage in Ancient Rome, age gaps were considered conventional rather than alarming.
According to PBS, men typically married when they reached their mid-twenties, while most women had already long been married off by the time they reached adulthood. Instead, they were often married by their early teens.
It Was Even Harder To Schedule A Wedding In Rome
While managing the schedules of honored guests and their family’s idiosyncrasies can be a headache in modern times, there were many days when a wedding was simply not allowed to take place in ancient Rome.
According to UNRV, the first day of each month (or the Kalends), the seventh day (or the Nones), and the 15th day (or the Ides) were all prohibited (at least socially), as were the entireties of February and May. As for why, ancient Romans were deeply superstitious, so marrying on any of those days was considered bad luck.
Superstition Made One Month Particularly Popular
No matter the era, it seems that superstitions with negative consequences always seem to outnumber ones intended to bring about good luck. That was also clear in ancient Rome, as even the months when couples were forbidden from marrying outnumbered the most popular month of the year for it.
While the Kalends, Ides, or Nones of any month were considered off-limits, PBS noted that couples often preferred to marry in June. That month was considered good luck in the same way that May and February were considered bad luck.
Adultery By Men And Women Was Treated Differently
Throughout the history of ancient Rome, laws punishing adultery varied in severity over time, but always affected women more harshly than men. Men were only likely to face punishment if they cheated on their wives with other married women, and they could even kill their wife’s lover if he was lower in social standing.
According to a 2015 article in Fundamina, however, a woman’s father could kill both her and her lover if she cheated. Instead, the husband was required to divorce her and have her prosecuted for adultery, which could result in her losing citizenship, exile, losing a third of her property, half her dowry, or the right to marry again. It depended on the court’s discretion.
There Were Many Laws Governing Who Could Marry Who
According to PBS, Rome’s first Emperor Augustus had strict legislation prohibiting marriages between certain people, while relaxing traditional codes. For instance, he decided that formerly enslaved people could now marry citizens but not senators. Soldiers could also marry, but only in specific circumstances.
In addition to the expected law against marrying close relatives, Augustus also prohibited citizens from marrying either courtesans or women working in less prestigious brothels. They also couldn’t marry actresses, who were regarded with the same status. Finally, provincial officials were not allowed to marry their constituents.
Men Had The Sole Right To Welcome Or Reject Children
Although Roman wives were typically in charge of household management, one matter that their husbands had the final word on concerned how to deal with the arrival of a new baby. According to PBS, the tradition was such that the midwife would put a newborn baby on the floor and only ones the father picked up were welcomed into the family.
If the father let a baby lay for whatever reason, that baby was usually abandoned outside in a designated location. The reason for the specific location was that abandoned babies were usually taken in and enslaved.
Women Had More Domestic Influence Than It Seemed
Although it was more possible to be a fairly independent woman in ancient Rome than in ancient Greece, it was nonetheless no secret that the state favored men in terms of economic and political matters.
Yet while men were considered the heads of their households (or paterfamilias), women who had the status of materfamilias could generally expect to manage much of their husband’s private lives with authority. It was her responsibility to ensure the house was honorable, kept, and that its children were educated and it was considered unusual for men to overrule her in these matters.
Weddings Began With Specific Processions
Although some Roman wedding traditions like engagement rings and veiled gowns are common for modern weddings as well, UNRV noted that their traditions tended to be a little more specific.
In addition to the white, veiled wedding gown, the bride also had to wear yellow shoes and be escorted to her groom’s home by three boys, one of whom carried a torch while the others physically supported her as she walked. She was also accompanied by a procession of friends of both families.
Wedding Feasts Were Arranged By The Husband
After the bride’s procession travelled with her to her groom’s home in the evening, she was made to carry a spindle as she walked through her eventual husband’s door.
The keys to this home would then be given to her and the groom would arrange a feast while she reclined on a bridal couch adorned with flowers. According to UNRV, the following day would see the groom arrange another feast while the bride performed specific religious rites.
There Was One Small Step That Made A Big Difference
While ancient Roman superstitions influenced when a couple would get married, they also factored into one small but important step in the pre-wedding ritual. Namely, that when a bride passed through her groom’s door, she would be usually be carried in.
Specifically, she was supposed to be carried over the door’s threshold so she wouldn’t trip over it. According to PBS, it was considered a disastrously bad omen for a bride to trip over the threshold of her new home on her wedding day.
The State Incentivized Women To Have Children
During the First Century, Rome’s infant mortality rate was sky-high, with 25% of children not surviving their first year and about half of children dying before they reached age ten. To address this problem, the Roman state started offering legal rewards to women who successfully gave birth.
According to PBS, after women gave birth to three live babies (four if they were formerly enslaved), the state recognized their legal independence and they didn’t have to submit to male dominance (or at least not to the same degree).
Divorce Was Surprisingly Easy In Ancient Rome
Although there was a time when divorce wasn’t allowed in Rome, that changed as early as the Roman Republic. According to PBS, Roman divorce was similar to modern no-fault divorce in that it didn’t need to occur for any specific reason.
Instead, as far as the state was concerned, it was an official declaration of intent to stop living together just as marriage was a declaration of intent to start living together. Assuming there was no adultery to adjudicate, the only requirement was that the divorce needed to take place before seven witnesses.
Divorced Women’s Lives Went Back To Way They Were
Although the state just needed seven witnesses to make a divorce official except in cases of criminal adultery, the wife was also entitled to receive her dowry back in full. If she had been married at the expected young age, she would then return to the protection of her father, known as “patria potestas.”
According to PBS, however, if she had gained her independence by having three children or by other means, she would remain independent after her divorce. This applied in the most clear-cut way if she had already been independent before her wedding.
Marriages Were Arranged Relatively Simply
Although there was likely some intense negotiation between families before a marriage agreement was reached, the betrothal that involved the actual couple was relatively straightforward. According to PBS, it starts with an exchange of gifts and the determination of the dowry.
After that, it was as simple as having the parties involved sign the marriage contract and then seal their intention with a kiss. It sounds similar to the kisses in modern weddings, except that it doesn’t happen during the actual wedding day.
Roman Wives Had A Loophole To Avoid Becoming Property
According to George Long of The University Of Chicago, Rome’s Usucapio laws were such that anything that existed in a citizen’s house for a year became his property. However, one of the pitfalls of Roman marriage was that this included the citizen’s wife.
However, the Twelve Tables that codified this law also included a clause to allow Roman women a modicum of independence. If a woman did not want to become her husband’s property, she had to spend three days away from his home per year. This interrupted the cycle of “usus” and reset the countdown each year.
Roman Children Were Born In Their Father’s Social Class
According to UNRV, it wasn’t until 445 BC that land-owning Roman citizens (called patricians) were allowed to marry anyone in the poorer plebeian class. Although the most common motivation for marriage made it so such arrangements rarely happened anyway, these intermarriages were nonetheless eventually allowed.
The only catch was that a child born into that family took on the name and social status of their father. This meant that if the child’s father was of the plebeian class, it didn’t matter that their mother was of the patrician class.
The Designation Of The “Ring” Finger Came From Rome
As UNRV noted, engagement rings were a common gift during the gift-giving portion of the betrothal ceremony whenever they could be afforded. However, that isn’t the only way that Roman marriage traditions have influenced today’s Western nations.
As it turns out, those rings were worn on the same ring fingers that people use today. That was because the Romans specifically believed that a nerve in the ring finger on the left hand ran directly to the heart.
Couples Weren’t Considered Married Without Affection
According to UNRV, the sealing of a marriage contract with a kiss wasn’t the only ways a couple had to share physical affection before they were married. Although it’s true that families didn’t arrange marriages based on how much the couple actually liked each other, they still had to present the appearance that they did.
One of the most common ways for the couple to show their consent to the marriage was to appear in public holding hands before the wedding took place.
There Was A Very Important Knot In The Bride Dress
According to UNRV, an ancient Roman bride was traditionally dressed by her mother on her wedding day, and the gown she would appear in featured a belt bearing the knot of Hercules. This was considered the most important part of the entire dress.
Since the Roman pantheon was essentially the same as the Greek pantheon with some name changes, Hercules was considered the guardian of wedded life in Rome as well. As such, only the husband was permitted to untie the bride’s knot.
Marriage Ceremonies Were Often Small But Needed Guests
Although wedding feasts were provided by the groom, UNRV noted that the wedding ceremony nonetheless tended to take place at the bride’s father’s house. Much like when modern couples say “I do,” brides restated their consent before the officiant
While it was true that Roman weddings typically involved far fewer people than most modern weddings, it was actually a requirement to have at least a few guests. That was because about ten witnesses needed to be present for the ceremony to be legal.
There Were Different Typical Gifts For Brides And Grooms
Although it’s been established that the groom could give the bride an engagement ring during their betrothal, the bride was expected to give a gift of her own. According to Imperium Romanum, she would sacrifice a childhood toy or article of clothing, while he would offer her a symbol of their marriage contract.
This would be an appropriate time for the engagement ring if one could be afforded but a coin was also a sufficient tribute if not. Some grooms would give their bride an additional gift but this was not required or necessarily expected.
Only The Bride Gave A Wedding Vow And She Didn’t Write It
According to UNRV, a bride would chant her wedding vow before she crossed her groom’s threshold. Although modern wedded couples typically write their vows themselves ahead of time and exchange these heartfelt words during the ceremony, Roman weddings were more rigid about this.
Rather than prepare any of her own words, the bride was expected to chant, “Quando tu Gaius, ego Gaia.” This means, “where you are Gaius, I am Gaia” and “Gaius” was said regardless of the groom’s actual name. That’s because the name Gaius was supposed to be inherently lucky.
Marriage Were Consummated With Gods Before Husbands
Since they were often married off at such young ages, brides were often virgins by the time of their weddings. Yet while this tended to mean that her husband would deflower her in other civilizations, ancient Rome worked a little differently.
According to Imperium Romanum, brides had to straddle the phallus of the marriage deity Mutunus Tutunus before she and her husband could consummate their marriage. This was because the act of losing one’s virginity to Mutunus Tutunus was supposed ensure fertility and healthy children.
Emperors Could Make Special Exceptions In Marriage Laws
Although Augustus had set the majority of the marriage laws that stood under his empire, he was nonetheless empowered to make an exception to any of them in a specific couple’s case if he so desired.
Considering the types of marriage that Augustus outlawed, however, it seems unlikely that many couples could charm him into indulging them. Nonetheless, if he chose to grant permission anyway, that would be called a conubium and the marriage would stand.
Wedding Cake Was Originally An Offering To The Gods
According to UNRV, after the bride gave her consent at the wedding ceremony, she and her groom would sit on stools facing the officiant. This person would then make an offer to Jupiter, which typically consisted of cake.
Unlike in modern weddings, this cake was only eaten by the bride and groom once the officiant made his offering. However, the wedding feast followed shortly thereafter, so guests wouldn’t have to go hungry for long.
Wedding Guests Threw Nuts Rather Than Rice Or Confetti
According to UNRV, there was a playful part of the post-wedding ceremony where the bride was escorted to her new husband’s home. When they arrived, the bride’s mother held her until the groom made a show of pretending to snatch the bride from her arms.
After he did this, the procession who joined them on this little parade traditionally threw nuts to celebrate the wedding. Those are harder than rice but it’s unclear whether they were actually supposed to throw them directly at the couple.
Men Were Allowed To Have Entire Second Families In Rome
Not only was male adultery well accepted within ancient Roman society but it was also considered acceptable for them to have long-term cohabitations with women of lower social classes. Indeed, it was also widely considered acceptable to even father children in these extramarital affairs.
Indeed, as far as the Roman state was concerned, there was only one difference between marriages and these cohabitations. As Imperium Romanum explained, the children born from these cohabitations were not considered full citizens insofar as they didn’t stand to inherit anything from their fathers.
